


Meet me in the aftermath

by the_milky_way



Series: Finding Love [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bobby Finds Out, Bobby Nash is a good friend, Boys In Love, Buck's feelings, Caring Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Cuddling, Developing Relationship, Eddie Diaz Takes Care of Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz knows how to use words, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e15 Eddie Begins, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Sort Of, Worried Evan "Buck" Buckley, aftermath of the well, post 3.15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:08:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27183610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_milky_way/pseuds/the_milky_way
Summary: Buck feels like a right mess. Like a child that needs to be consoled, even though he isn’t the one that went through hell. He’s just that one who was stupid enough to think his place was a good idea. Instead of, you know, going to Eddie’s after the doctors gave their all-clear. Right now, he is the fool who figured Eddie needed space, time with Christopher, with family. The fool who attempted to sleep at his own place only to be woken by nightmares and a call from Eddie.Or: The aftermath of "Eddie Begins" and how Buck's dealing with it...
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Finding Love [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1698586
Comments: 23
Kudos: 341





	Meet me in the aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> Oh wow, this took me ages to finish. I was blocked for months. I had this one conversation between Buck and Eddie in my head for ages. But then I struggled with the rest of it. So I'm not too happy with some parts of this but I wanted to finish it anyway. 
> 
> Real life wasn't helpful either.
> 
> In the end I really wanted this story to be part of the series. And have it out before being done with the next part.
> 
> Title and lyrics are from "Aftermath" by Lifehouse

_We have kept a light on through the trouble  
Treaded water - in a sea of tears_

“EDDIE!”

Buck startles awake, breath caught somewhere in his throat as if it’s ready for another scream. Mind stuck on the images of mud and rain, tongue tasting salt. Arms flail, smack against the window to his left and the dashboard up front. He doesn’t even feel the pain when his knuckles connect with the glass, the hard plastic. He startles some more when a strong hand settles on his chest, keeping him in his seat, grounding him in reality. Waking him up from a nightmare he experienced for real just hours before.

He shouldn’t have fallen asleep.

“Sshh, Buck. It’s okay. It’s alright. We are on the way. You’ll see Eddie soon.”

Bobby.

Bobby who is driving and trying to calm Buck down at the same time. 

Buck feels like a right mess. Like a child that needs to be consoled, even though he isn’t the one that went through hell. He’s just that one who was stupid enough to think his place was a good idea. Instead of, you know, going to Eddie’s after the doctors gave their all-clear. Right now, he is the fool who figured Eddie needed space, time with Christopher, with family. The fool who attempted to sleep at his own place only to be woken by nightmares and a call from Eddie.

_“Where are you?”  
“My place.” Because he couldn’t bring himself to call it home.  
“Why?”  
“You… needed time with Chris. Time with family.”  
“Also with my boyfriend. My partner. Who happens to be part of this family.”  
“You want me there?”  
“Buck… Evan, of course. I want you here. I need you here. Preferably in my arms so that I know you are alive. That I am.”_

He doesn’t remember much of the rest of the conversation, only Eddie telling him to stay put, that he’d figure something out. That this something turned out to be their captain had come as a little surprise. He didn’t even think about driving himself, pretty sure he would have ended up wrapped around a tree

Bobby hadn’t said anything until they were in the car and on their way to Eddie’s. And even them it was just to ask if Buck was okay. Buck had shrugged. There wasn’t much to say anyway. He must have fallen asleep shortly after.

A slow pat against his chest. A jolt back into reality. Buck’s still breathing somewhat heavily. Has to consciously fight to calm down. To take measured breaths. His chest expands with his efforts. And when he dares a glance at Bobby, his captain is looking at the road ahead. Face carefully blank, almost as if he doesn’t really know how to approach Buck, how to handle him in this state. Having Bobby close is helping though. He pats the hand still on his chest, letting the other man know that he’s okay now. Or you know, as close as he can be.

“Thanks,” Buck says into the silence between them. He sounds raw. Voice wrecked by screams during the call, during his nightmare and just now. 

“You good?” Bobby’s still looking ahead, concentrated on driving but keeping his focus on Buck as well. 

Streetlights flash past but Buck can’t determine if it’s late at night or early in the morning, if he slept through the day or only an hour. All sense of time had left him the second Eddie went under. His watch is at his place and he doesn’t have the energy to go for his cell, which is stowed away in the duffle he can’t remember packing. Buck blinks. Did Bobby do that?

“I… I don’t know.” 

Bobby nods, slow and understanding. There is no need for more words. They aren’t far from Eddie’s now and Buck really doesn’t want to fall asleep again. He looks down at his duffle instead.

“Did you… Did you pack for me?” Buck feels weird asking, as if just the question alone shows how weak, how mentally incapable he is feeling right now. 

“I did,” Bobby says, briefly glancing at Buck. It makes Buck smile a little, just an uptick of his lips. It seems to be enough for Bobby though, telling him that he hasn’t crossed a line. 

“I gathered you’d be spending a bit of time at Eddie’s. Seeing as he called me at midnight, almost begging me to bring you to him.” So he isn’t missing an entire day then, seeing as they’ve kept Eddie in the hospital for hours only releasing him around eight in the evening.

Also, Bobby says it so nonchalantly that it takes Buck a second or two to get what Bobby is implying. Eddie basically outed them to their captain. Buck thinks he did a pretty good job of that at the well himself. And he’s surprisingly okay with that. 

“You okay with that?” Buck thinks he should be dreading the answer. Only, he isn’t. He has to ask anyway.

“What kind of friend would I be if I wasn’t? Not even talking about your little scene there but when Eddie called, he sounded worried in a way I’ve only ever heard him when it comes to Christopher. Can’t say I am surprised… much,” Bobby chuckles a little, somehow dissolves the tension that started to build.

Buck feels sweaty and rubs his palms against the pajama pants he managed to put on before falling into his bed. He didn’t shower, exhaustion taking over once the stress of the call, of getting Eddie back and getting the all-clear at the hospital dissipated. He feels sticky and unwashed, ponders if he can manage at shower at Eddie’s. He almost misses Bobby’s next words.

“He also called you Evan, when he asked me to get you.”

Buck doesn’t snap his head from where he has been staring at the darkness outside. But it’s a close thing. If Eddie called him Evan, something they agreed on only doing when it’s them, he must have been really out of it or worried to hell. Guilt pangs in his chest. 

“It’s…” Buck can’t find the right words to explain it, to get across what it means to him that Eddie’s using his given name and that it doesn’t bother him. He settles on the only thing that makes sense right now: “It’s new.”

“How long?”

“Three days,” Buck laughs, because it sounds a little ridiculous even to him. Three days of having something good only to almost instantly lose it again. Just his luck as it seems. But he didn’t, because Eddie is still there. Eddie is alive. Eddie called him boyfriend, called him Evan in front of Bobby. 

“Jesus, kid,” Bobby laughs as well.

“Yeah, kinda fucked up but… Hell, Bobby, this might be the best thing that’s happened to me in a really long time. And I thought I couldn’t have it. I thought I’d be okay with being friends and having them be my family this way. And then I get to have it… only… only to almost lose it… lose him,” his voice breaks on the last few words. Buck feels the tears, doesn’t even try to wipe them or hide his face. There wouldn’t be any use to it anyway. Bobby knows. Bobby knows and Buck can actually talk about it. Here in this car, while Bobby is driving him to Eddie’s.

“But you didn’t.”

“No. No I didn’t. I will fight like hell to keep it this way.”

They both know that Buck means it. Buck switches between looking at the orange glow of the streetlights and watching Bobby for the rest of the drive. Silence settles between them but it’s not uncomfortable.

+++

_The worst is far behind us now  
We'll make it out of here somehow_

Eddie is waiting for them on the front steps. He looks better now, even in the yellow light of the porch lamp. Less pale, less shaking. But exhaustion is written all over his face and in the way he holds his body. Buck instantly feels guilty again. Eddie should be in bed, resting, sleeping - not standing there waiting for the broken mess that is Buck right now.

Buck is grabbing his duffle and is stumbling out of the car the second Bobby stops in the driveway. He distantly registers that Bobby’s getting out as well but his focus solely lies on Eddie who is slowly walking towards him. He doesn’t know how he manages it again, but his sneaker gets caught on something on the ground and he goes flailing. And as always, Eddie is right there.

Eddie catches him in a way reminiscent of the move he pulled that special evening or at the station yesterday morning. Running joke and all. Buck can’t even appreciate it, because the instant his face is buried in Eddie’s neck he loses it. Badly. 

Eddie’s arms are the only thing holding him up. His knees buckle and he is clinging to Eddie in a desperate attempt to not crumble to the ground on the front lawn. And in front of Bobby. Sobs are wrecking through him, shaking him in Eddie’s hold. He distantly thinks he’ll have to apologize later for all the tears and snot he’s currently getting on Eddie. 

Eddie murmurs soft words into his hair, hands slowly stroking his back where he is holding on to Buck. He feels bad for unloading on Eddie like this but can’t seem to stop. He tries to calm himself by taking a deep breath, taking in the scent that is a mixture of pure Edddie, body wash and fabric softener. It helps. Eddie helps. The remnants of his nightmare are still lingering on his mind and Buck just clings harder to the solid weight holding him.

He vaguely registers that Bobby and Eddie are talking, struggles to tune in.

“... get a few days off. I’ll handle replacement. Neither of you are in any kind of shape to go through a shift this week. When you are back... we’ll talk paperwork and HR. Until then, rest up.”

“Thanks, Cap. And sorry for calling you this late,” Eddie does sound a little apologetic but not much.

“It’s alright, Eddie. Don’t worry. You needed help and I am glad you called. Get him inside. He had a nightmare on the drive over. Didn’t look like he slept all that well when I got him either.”

Buck feels Eddie nod, feels himself being shifted in a way that makes it clear he’ll have to move to get into the house. He’s not even ashamed of the needy way he’s clinging to Eddie still.

“Drive safe,” Eddie says before he turns them, Buck’s duffle swinging into his side. 

“Good night, Eddie. Night, Buck.”

He’s not sure he could say something even if he wanted to, so he only lifts his arm and waves weakly in the direction he hopes Bobby is. The slight snorts from both Bobby and Eddie tells him he missed by a long shot.

“Bye, Bobby,” he manages at last, then hears the car door close and the engine start. Eddie’s hand on his face distracts him from Bobby leaving. 

“Hey… hey... You’re good, Evan.” A rough thumb strokes his jaw, lifts his head a little from where he is still hiding from reality. Eddie’s brown eyes hold a myriad of emotions just then, concern and something that feels like love to Buck at the forefront. 

Buck sighs into the soft kiss Eddie tugs him into, hand still cradling him carefully. 

“Come on, let’s get you inside.”

They somehow make it up the front steps, through the door and into the hallway. Only then does Buck move out of Eddie’s hold and toes his shoes off. 

“Chris home?” Buck whispers, not trusting his voice to be capable of more than that.

“Yeah. Sleeping, though. It was late after the hospital. Abuela will take him to school tomorrow,” Eddie says while gently leading Buck towards his bedroom. So abuela has taken over the guestroom, which makes it abundantly clear that Buck will spend the rest of the night in Eddie’s room. The relief he feels is overwhelming. Buck’s not sure he would have been able to let go of Eddie any time soon.

Buck needs a shower, badly. Feels grimy and too sweaty again. Right now though, he’s not even able to lift a hand to scrub the tear tracks from his skin. He ends up sitting on Eddie’s bed with the man right next to him, shoulders touching, thighs pressed together, Eddie’s hand gently moving over his back. Buck shivers a little not sure what to do next, how to proceed.

“I'm sorry,” he finally manages, watches Eddie’s eyes widen a little, before his hand is grabbed and his body is pulled closer to Eddie’s again.

“What for?” Eddies asks, just as softly and calm as he did outside.

“Making you deal with me right now... On... on top of everything. You shouldn’t have to.” Buck swallows another sob, fights against the urge to lose it all over again. It’s not like him at all but everything feels like it’s too much right now.

“Listen... Look at me, please,” Eddie demands. Not harsh but commanding enough that Bucks does just that. 

“Thank you. Evan… You aren’t making me do anything. I want you here Buck. I need you by my side right now. And you went through just as much drama as I did. There’s no “your trauma is bigger than mine” here. Everything you feel is valid. So please, please don’t hide it from me. Don’t swallow it all.”

Eddie is cradling his face, thumbs swiping away fresh tears. Just feeling Eddie’s hands on his skin settles something in Buck. Grounds him. Scares him, too, with how easy it is for him to just let go and let Eddie take the lead here.

“Ok.. yeah… Same... Same goes for you.” He feels inadequate, unable to express what it means to him that Eddie is just there. The words are there, just stuck in his head, making everything feel foggy, sort of unreal even.

“I know. I do. Come on, let’s get you into the shower and then bed. It's all we'll be able to mange right now anyway.” And Eddie is right. Of course he is. This day has been one of the most scary and exhausting ones in their lives. And that is remarkable, considering the days Buck has had over the last year. 

Buck’s in some sort of fugue state, not really present but not completely lost in his mind yet either. He doesn’t know how Eddie manages to find the energy to get him showered and dressed again. He doesn’t remember the time between entering the bathroom and crawling underneath the blanket feeling somewhat refreshed but so ready to crash. It’s like he blinks and he’s gone from standing half-dressed in front of a running shower to lying curled into Eddie’s body trying to find his breath.

There are gentle fingers combing through his slightly damp hair, softly scratching the skin beneath. It would make him fall asleep almost instantly on any given day. Only, today’s not any given day and Buck’s wide awake despite the crippling exhaustion that’s weighing his body and mind down. Eddie’s other arm is holding Buck close, almost clinging in a way that lets Buck know he isn’t the only one needing reassurance right now. Of course, he isn’t. Eddie is the one who got buried, who almost died.

Buck wants to say something, wants to apologize again but knows Eddie wouldn’t want to hear it. Instead he curls closer, buries his face against Eddie’s neck, against the spot which has sort of become his since this thing between them crossed the line into something more.

“Think you can sleep?” Eddie whispers into the semi-darkness of the room. He hasn't pulled the curtains and the small light above the mirror in the bathroom is still on as well. Its warm yellow glow floating through the gap Eddie must have left on purpose. Buck tries to not think about how dark it must have been down there. He places a soft kiss against the strong pulse in Eddie’s neck. So damn glad he can do that again. Eddie’s arm tightens around him, the fingers in his hair stop for a second before resuming their ministrations. 

“Not sure. Mind’s all jumbled.”

“Yeah. I just… It's a mess. Having you in my arms is helping.” 

It’s almost instinctual, the way Buck moves. Dips his head back a little so that he can look up at Eddie. He’s met with chapped lips in a kiss that holds nothing sexual but all the feelings that are coursing through them right now. It’s not soft per se but not heated either. But it grounds Buck like only a few things in his life can. When he pulls back he doesn’t move far, just a bit so that his cheek rests into Eddie’s shoulder. They breathe in tandem, slow and settled.

“You called me boyfriend. Partner,” Buck mumbles, not sure why he says it but somehow needing to. This is not the right time to have relationship-affirming discussions but maybe it’s the right time for this question.

“I did. It’s what you are to me.”

“It’s only been three days, Eds.”

“True. But let’s be honest... after today… I’m not going to waste any more time. Not with you. Not when it comes to having my family with me and making sure we are all ok. And we already agreed that this is real. So yeah, partner. Boyfriend. Something more in the future.” 

Eddie has gone back to massaging the skin at Buck’s nape, uses the hold he has to pull Buck closer again, to press another soft kiss into his temple. For the first time this day Buck feels a small smile on his own lips. And again, Eddie is right. They have been heading into this direction for ages now. He just never thought that one of them almost dying again would be the moment that defines their relationship. It sort of feels fitting.

“I saw the news, Buck. I saw you… At the well. And when you weren’t here… I… couldn’t bear the thought of you being alone.”

Buck waits for the feeling of embarrassment to settle inside of him. It doesn’t come. He’s not embarrassed about the way he reacted because right in that moment he was losing the one person that might turn out to be the love of his life. 

“Everyone probably knows now. So much for keeping it to ourselves for the time being, “ Buck tries to joke but it falls a little flat. Eddie chuckles anway. 

“Ah, Bobby does. The others…I don’t really know. They are used to your strange behavior.” Eddie counters. And yeah, they are. So maybe they’ll have some more time to figure out what the new “them” is supposed to be like, how they want it to be. 

“You don’t mind Bobby knowing?”

“No. He got your here, that's what counts. At least to me. If it was on the basis of him finding out, I don't really care. You?"

“Hell no.” Because he’s seeing the look Bobby gave him in the car, has heard the words his Captain offered and remembers the smile he received. It settled any doubts he would have ever had about Bobby not accepting this. 

“That’s settled then. The rest... we’ll figure out tomorrow. Or later. For now, let’s just get through the night.”

Buck doesn’t know if he’ll be able to sleep. What he knows is that Eddie needs him to be there as much as Buck needs to be there. Eddie might not say it out loud, but underneath all the calmth and caring for Buck lies fear. Fear of the things he might see once he falls asleep. Fear that he hasn’t escaped and is caught in a dream. Fear that the nightmares will be worse than reality ever had the chance to be.

“I am here, Eds. You are here. You are alive. You made it out. You can sleep. I’ll be here to hold you. And I know you’ll do the same for me.”

“I almost drowned.” 

The admission isn’t that surprising but it still jolts Buck a little. When he leans up this time he’s the one pulling Eddie down into a kiss. Little bites on warm lips draw soft moans out of Eddie but Buck doesn’t take it further, lets the moment slide into something softer again. They shift on the bed, rearrange their bodies so that they can sleep without ruining their backs or joints.

“I almost lost you,” he breathes against Eddie’s lips once they’ve settled into an embrace that feels comfortable.

“You got me through it. Christopher and you. When I was about to let go, I saw all those moments, all those little things that made us family. Didn’t want to give up on that, on what is still to come. On us.”

“Fuck, Eddie. I’m so in love with you, it’s not even funny anymore,” Buck laughs into the silence. Wiggles a little to snuggle even more into Eddie’s warmth. His eyes feel heavy, his throat too dry and he knows he won’t be awake for much longer.

“Good thing, I am in the same boat then,” is whispered into his ear, as if Eddie knows that Buck’s last resistance is about to give in, that sleep is winning the battle

“Please, no metaphors with water for a while,” Buck manages to slur out.

Eddie’s low laugh sounds like heaven in Buck’s hears. Clear and joyful, trying to stay quiet but not holding back anything. It’s rare that Eddie allows himself to be like this. Buck loves it. He doesn’t register the moment he finally slips off into sleep. All he knows is that Eddie’s there. That Eddie is in his arms alive and that they get a chance for this to turn into something really good.

_There's so much more to life than all of the hours_

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, all remaining mistakes are mine. 
> 
> And as always, thanks so much for reading over this train-wreck of word-vomit A. :D


End file.
